Tag: relationships
Finding Success
I grew up believing that success is about what we do and how we earn, not who we are. Neither of my parents went to college. I feel like I was told at LEAST once a day: “you WILL go to college Annie.” I absolutely grew up trusting that. Interestingly I was also told that I would be a doctor. And I grew up believing that too.
I chose a top liberal arts college in Washington state where I grew up. With a top ranked pre-med program, recruiters told me if I got through it I would write my ticket to any med school in the country. I got in! My mom was so proud, she always knew I’d be a successful doctor.
Being in a liberal arts college, I was required to take credits in ALL fields of study, not just my major. My sophomore year was rocking my world. I was taking chemistry and HATING EVERY MINUTE of class. Across campus I am taking a sociology class….and loving it! I loved what I was learning about human behavior. And by spring break, I had to declare my major.
With thoughtful consideration, I went to the administrator’s office and filed my major and minor.
That year, mom decided to drive the 275 miles to campus to pick me up for spring break and bring me home. She hadn’t done THAT before, I always had to hitch a ride with friends or take the bus! She said it would be great mother/daughter time driving back.
We made an adventure of it: stopping at outlet malls, grabbing a bite to eat. It was a long, full day and I did not bring up declaring my major, and oddly enough she hadn’t either.
It was dark by the time we got back to the greater Puget Sound region. Mom is driving her little sportscar, me in the passenger seat. After a long day on our adventure, I think we were both a bit tired, we hadn’t spoken in a while. Suddenly, mom breaks the silence. Maybe she had been thinking it all this time? She asks: “Annie, didn’t you have to declare your major?”
“Yep.” (Closed ended question, so I answered accordingly….I guess somehow I knew this wasn’t going to go well.)
“So, what did you declare, biology? You always liked biology in high school.”
“Nope.”
“Pre-med then?”
“Nope.”
“Annie, you went for the hardest of them all chemistry? I’m so proud of you!!”
“Nope.”
“Wait, well, what’s left?”
“I declared sociology mom, I don’t want to be a doctor.”
The silence hurt my ears in this car moving at 65mph. Just deadening. And then she said: “You will never make any money.”
That was a pivotal story in my life, believing that I had to earn money to prove my success. I had to let go of other perceptions of my success. I had to define it for myself. The fear I felt stepping away from my family’s path for my success was overwhelming, I did it anyway. It took great courage to start my own business and keep hustling when the economy sank.
I now know that I am a healer, just a different kind. I heal women by teaching them self-love, the highest expression of self-esteem. I heal what stops them from being influential, powerful and loving. I also have healed my relationship with money and along with my husband show others how to heal and build wealth.
And the ultimate success? It is the long-time relationships I have had with clients and colleagues that stretch over decades because they love what I do and want to be a part of the adventure. Success is having a powerfully loving relationship. Success is the fun and laughter I have in my life. It is having these relationships because I am willing to be vulnerable and open my heart. That is success. Money has found its way through my passion for what I do with people every day.
Integrity: Someone is Always Watching
The Birkman method, Eysenck questionnaire, DISC asssessment, and Myers-Briggs. These are all examples of temperament indicators use to determine how people perceive the world and make decisions. A lot of time and effort has been put into these methodologies and this isn’t a critique of these methodologies, (I better not, my wife teaches them to leaders) but I think there are simpler ways to assess people.
Please see below exhibit A: What I have named the Butler-Evanston assessment. It is a live situational assessment tool somewhat like candid camera if you will. How people transact in these scenarios say a lot about them and their general character. I am confident we could compile a longer list here are a few scenarios we like to observe people in order to assess them.
Exhibit A:
- Not putting your weights away at the gym.
- Holding the doors on the commuter train.
- Not cleaning up behind your dog on a walk.
- Signing up for something with zero intent of doing anything.
- Not putting your shopping cart away.
I’m sure you heard the adage: “Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is watching” by C.S. Lewis? Well, in this modern world of everyone having a camera, someone is always watching. I’m of the mind that deeds know matter how big or small are important not words. 1those actions say so much about you as a person.
I believe it was the motivational speaker Eric “ET” Thomas who said “Everyone wants to be a beast until its time do what beasts do.” Let that sink in for a moment. You can scour Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn or any of the various social media platforms and see people doing such wonderful and altruistic things. We all see people daily whether they know they are being observed or not doing things that lack integrity. Those things aren’t on social media. At least they are only showing us their pumped pose in front of the weights put away.
I once read an article in Scientific America titled: “Why Don’t People Return Their Shopping Carts” by Krystal D’Costa. It was an insightful and amazing article as it illuminated some of the reasons (although I prefer to call them excuses) of why people don’t put their shopping cart away. People seem to be able to rationalize almost anything to justify their actions. The excuses range from: “it is someone else’s job.” to “the weather.” This article was so popular she had to do a follow-up! “Follow-up: The Reason People Don’t Return their Shopping Carts” to collate the feedback. It must have struck nerve.
The reality is temperament indicators aside people’s actions say more about who they are then any introspective assessment or for that matter any other modality because people will and can say any number of things but their actions are undeniable. When I see all irrational and salacious videos so popularized by quasi news shows like TMZ and viral videos seen on Youtube, I know this to be true.
The people who regularly the Butler-Evanston Assessment fail not only society they show a worrisome lack of integrity along with a selfish nature. This speaks to a character flaw and causes me to question: would I want to invest in this person or do anything of importance or meaning with them? As I mentioned earlier in the modern world someone is always watching.
Craft Beer and Relationships
Several years ago on a date night, I took Ann to a taproom. Her experience with beer had been her paternal grandfather who would drink a Budweiser with a shot of Jack Daniels every night. I told her that this definitely isn’t Budweiser! She was still hesitant but said at least they have wine. As we sat the bar, the beertender, Heather said she could find a beer my wife would like. After a few clarifying questions about general taste preferences our Heather provided a recommend flight of dark beers consisting of stouts, porters and barleywines. Who knew there was a Sommelier equivalent in the beer world called a Cicerone? Heather was one! Come to find out my wife likes her beer like she likes her man: dark and strong. 😊
We do date night to strengthen our communication and comprehension of each other needs, wants and desires. One exercise we created for date night is each of us has to bring a question to ask and answer while we are out. We intentionally do it in public so that civility and self-control are re-enforced. These aren’t fluff questions these are serious and sometimes fun questions about elevating the relationship, achieving goals, being better in the relationship, and of course our sex life. We have found this fun to do to re-connect on an intimate level.
A relationship left to run on its own inertia has a high probability of failing because like a garden it requires tending to re-enforce good behaviors and growth and to explore and potentially change undesired behaviors. My wife isn’t just my wife she is my lover, business partner, workout partner, garden CEO, food, beer, wine and spirits partner.
Besides, enjoying craft beer in moderation like having a great relationship has several health benefits.
Beer:
- Builds strong bones
- Cleans your teeth
- Reduces inflammation
- Helps you live longer
Loving Relationship:
- Lowers blood pressure
- Lessens anxiety
- Longer life
- Less depression and better stress management
There appears to be anecdotal proof that a good beer and some loving honest relationship time can actually give you a better and longer quality of life.