Month: February 2020

When I was younger I remember being asked this question. And I always hated it! The answers seemed obvious and in my mind safe. But back then, I didn’t know myself well enough to know an answer that would truly delight and inspire me.

You know that famous question: if you could choose to have dinner with anyone from anytime in the world, which 5 people would you choose?

Now I know, because they align with so much of my life’s work and purpose. I have worked with women for 30 years to become healthy, happy, fulfilled in their lives and careers. To be the fullest expression of themselves. To be sexually self actualized and therefore empowered by their sexuality. Of course I know exactly who I want to sit with now!

Meet my dinner table:

Mochizuki Chiyome was a Japanese noblewoman and the first woman ninja who created and trained a group of women ninja warriors. She used conforming as a “lady” with proper dress and manners to allow her warriors to move throughout society and fight for the Takeda clan. She is imply a badass! And of course my first tattoo at 48 is a full size Katana as seen in this picture and I can barely lift it over my head!

Mileva Maric Serbian, aka Mileva Einstein-Maric, Alberts first wife. She is believed to have co-created his most profound theories, and she was not credited, simply because she’s a SHE. Truly brilliant in her own mind but not given credit!! Can you imagine what she could share? Enough of “behind every great man there is a woman”! She so deserves credit

Frances Hesselbein at 104 (still alive today) I consider the foremost female leadership expert. She could not publish without a male leading author, becasue she would not be taken seriously in her time. She was founding President of the Peter Drucker foundation and was CEO of the Girl Scouts during its largest involvement in the 70s. I’d love to hear how she influenced all these male leaders!

Maud Stevens Wagner once a contortionist in the circus, and she became the first female tattooist! She personally was completely tatted in an era where it was considered taboo for both sexes let alone a woman. She used to “show them off” wearing risky clothing during an era where women covered up. I love she still wore her pearls though! Such an “improper” woman, I bet she has the best stories as a rebel!

Hedy Lamarr, who had a 20 year career as a femmes fatale, was known to have the first “orgasm” on screen. She also co-created and patented a “secret communication system” during WWII which was the groundbreaking technology for WiFi, GPS and Bluetooth. I always believe we can be “smart, savvy and sexy” as women and she did it!

I could probably pick MANY more fabulous rebel women leaders of their time, but I limited it to five for the question, and the blog would get too long, lol. And ok, I’d have to squeeze Earl in of course, lol. Some might think that is strange, but he has a huge love for who I am as a woman, and powerful women as well. He would ask the best questions and liven up the group for sure!

So who would be at your table?

I never bought into the concept of turning 18 and being an adult just as a by-product of some arbitrary law or date. I can’t truly tell you why but maybe it was due to the close, love and respect I had for my parents and elders in my family. 

I was and am a momma boy, the youngest of a two-child family and the only son. My earliest memories are of fun times with my family: BBQ’s, trips fishing with my Big Mama (grandma), and holiday celebrations. I took for granted the youth and vigor of my family but why should I have thought otherwise. My youth and my formative years were great. I spent plenty of time with my maternal grandparents in Washington state as well as Northern California with my parents and sister. During my formative years there was some distance between me and my dad. In hindsight, I think it was because he saw a lot of himself in me and assumed, I would get into some of the mischievous things he and his brothers did at my age.

When I was 28 years old I pretty much thought I was man. That was when that belief was tested. My mother was diagnosed with a form of Leukemia called Multiple Myeloma. I took care of my mother, not only saving our family home from foreclosure, but taking her to dialysis, taking care of the house, pay bills, you name it if she had been doing it, I was now. During those two years she was sick I was sure to talk to my mother daily about how much I love her, what she wanted to do with her remaining time and how she wanted to go across the rainbow bridge. I knew she was scared and so was I but I carried out her wishes to the letter. I can still see her as I stood by and watched her take her last breath.

This was the most traumatic event I had ever experienced in my life. It through my life into a tailspin. It was so painful to think that the person that had brought me into this world was just gone. I mean when you think of the things that make a person who they are to you and poof. That physical reality is just gone.

I also made a point to be sure I became close to my dad. I would often take him to the horse races as it was one of his favorite things to do. It was great having my father around and he was truly invaluable as I dealt with the childhood home, now mine, having a huge fire in 2001. We did the demolish together and he kept his eye on the build. In 2003, when the house was ready to be occupied, I gave my father a tour of what I had done to our family home. I knew in the moment that my dad was proud of the man I had become and the things I had done in taking care of my mother and the house. The next morning, I found out my father had passed away suddenly in his sleep.

In the span of five years I had lost the two most important people in my life.

There honestly aren’t any words to describe the pain, loss and utter chaos of these events. People say time heals all wounds. I’m going to tell you from a grief perspective that is a lie. The loss of a love one is unimaginable; its like being blindsided. There is just no way to prepare for it. I went to grief counseling and it did provide some relief but the only way I can truly explain this pain and loss is that it is like dropping a rock in a pool of water. The epicenter being the most violent and turbulent of the waves of pain but as you get further away from the epicenter the distance and the intensity of the waves weakens. I still experience sudden pain related to the loss of my parents. 

If you or anyone you know is experiencing grief, I implore you to go see a Grief Counselor or professional who is trained in dealing with this type of pain. Growing up takes on a whole new concept when you must deal with loosing those you love.  

Like so many others, I was mystified by the spectacle of Royce Gracie winning the first Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC). I knew I wanted to learn “that stuff” someday and I was fully committed to getting my black belt but sometimes other things took priority.  My life was full: I was working in San Francisco wearing a suite every day and preparing for the Graduate Management Admission Test (GMAT). Before I could blink it was 1995 and I am off to Seattle to attend my dream school the University of Washington for a Master’s in Business Administration.

Flash forward suddenly it is 1997 and I move back to the Bay Area fully committed to prioritizing my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) journey.  A friend of mine told me he was training at a Gracie gym in Pleasant Hill, CA.  I decided to go watch a class, signed up that night and returned the next day to start the journey.

I can still remember my first class. It was a small group, just three of us. The trainers showed us the basic armbar from the guard position and a technique for escaping when someone is mounted: the Upa.   After practicing these drills, we were introduced to the active rolling (wrestling) that goes on during class. I can honestly tell you if you never been in a fight you have no idea how much energy it takes to just wrestle for five minutes! I was one tired person after that class but I was in love. That was first and last time I ever saw my two introductory classmates. I can’t even remember their names. People only got to know you if you stuck around and trained at least a good six months. And many showed up, like me enamored by the “Gracie” name, but it is glamourous at all.

Then BAM, when life seemed so good, I was rocked to my core to find out my mother was terminally ill with a form of leukemia called Multiple Myeloma. I took care of her until she passed.

Months later, and BJJ is still on my mind, getting that black belt in my soul. I had the pleasure and pain to have been around and train with some talented martial artists, all who in he ebb and flow are now black belts. Guys like:

Gil Castillo,

David Terrell,

Steve Heath,

Nick Ertl,

Jake Shields,

Gil Melendez,

Val Ignatov,

Marty Armendarez,

Casey Strand,

the late Alex Gong,

Richard Nero,

Tim Lajcik,

and a very young Nick Diaz.

In the early days you learned early and often that guys were going to beat you up good and techniques were top secret until or if you learned to defend and submit people. Think of going to a place everyday knowing that you were to be beaten unless you made movies up the learning curve. I was getting up everyday going to work at 4am, come home grab a nap or a bite to eat and head to the gym knowing that I was the low man until or if I quit, or took someone else’s spot by beating them. Remember, this was before the internet we all take for granted today. No Youtube videos or facebook groups, just a few online forums with verbal descriptions of technique and maybe a few hand drawn pictures. You would have had an easier time finding porn on-line then than a viable BJJ technique!

I think it took me literally a year before I could hit my first armbar while actively rolling. No one was spoon feeding you any technique people showed you once maybe twice since there were so few techniques. I remember being promoted to Blue belt (the second you can earn). You had to fight and win to get a promotion. I was elated.

Suddenly, and unexpectedly I had a fire in my home which was a total loss. Me and my Dad had to demolish everything in the house down to the studs and remodel the house. Once again, I had to step back from BJJ and take care of life. It took me 2.5 years to get the house back to where it could be occupied (that’s another story). I got back to training as I could and was once again rocked by the sudden death of my father.

Life and success are not linear, there is an ebb and flow to everything. I’ve lost loved ones, jobs, torn ligaments, had a herniated disc, torn nerves and lost everything in a fire.  It is all part of the ebb and flow of life. Despite all the ups and downs I’ve never loss focus on the goals that I set out to achieve. This September will make 23 years training in BJJ. I knew when I started down this path that I would never quit. Just because life throws a curve ball, don’t ever give up.