On Becoming a Man: The Pain of Loss

I never bought into the concept of turning 18 and being an adult just as a by-product of some arbitrary law or date. I can’t truly tell you why but maybe it was due to the close, love and respect I had for my parents and elders in my family. 

I was and am a momma boy, the youngest of a two-child family and the only son. My earliest memories are of fun times with my family: BBQ’s, trips fishing with my Big Mama (grandma), and holiday celebrations. I took for granted the youth and vigor of my family but why should I have thought otherwise. My youth and my formative years were great. I spent plenty of time with my maternal grandparents in Washington state as well as Northern California with my parents and sister. During my formative years there was some distance between me and my dad. In hindsight, I think it was because he saw a lot of himself in me and assumed, I would get into some of the mischievous things he and his brothers did at my age.

When I was 28 years old I pretty much thought I was man. That was when that belief was tested. My mother was diagnosed with a form of Leukemia called Multiple Myeloma. I took care of my mother, not only saving our family home from foreclosure, but taking her to dialysis, taking care of the house, pay bills, you name it if she had been doing it, I was now. During those two years she was sick I was sure to talk to my mother daily about how much I love her, what she wanted to do with her remaining time and how she wanted to go across the rainbow bridge. I knew she was scared and so was I but I carried out her wishes to the letter. I can still see her as I stood by and watched her take her last breath.

This was the most traumatic event I had ever experienced in my life. It through my life into a tailspin. It was so painful to think that the person that had brought me into this world was just gone. I mean when you think of the things that make a person who they are to you and poof. That physical reality is just gone.

I also made a point to be sure I became close to my dad. I would often take him to the horse races as it was one of his favorite things to do. It was great having my father around and he was truly invaluable as I dealt with the childhood home, now mine, having a huge fire in 2001. We did the demolish together and he kept his eye on the build. In 2003, when the house was ready to be occupied, I gave my father a tour of what I had done to our family home. I knew in the moment that my dad was proud of the man I had become and the things I had done in taking care of my mother and the house. The next morning, I found out my father had passed away suddenly in his sleep.

In the span of five years I had lost the two most important people in my life.

There honestly aren’t any words to describe the pain, loss and utter chaos of these events. People say time heals all wounds. I’m going to tell you from a grief perspective that is a lie. The loss of a love one is unimaginable; its like being blindsided. There is just no way to prepare for it. I went to grief counseling and it did provide some relief but the only way I can truly explain this pain and loss is that it is like dropping a rock in a pool of water. The epicenter being the most violent and turbulent of the waves of pain but as you get further away from the epicenter the distance and the intensity of the waves weakens. I still experience sudden pain related to the loss of my parents. 

If you or anyone you know is experiencing grief, I implore you to go see a Grief Counselor or professional who is trained in dealing with this type of pain. Growing up takes on a whole new concept when you must deal with loosing those you love.